


Zombies are the least of Iruka's problems

by hkandi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fem!Iruka, Geez zombies, Hanahaki Disease, Hanahaki angst more like..., Iruka hearts Kakashi, M/M, bingo bingo bingo, sad tears, twists and turns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:16:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21772069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hkandi/pseuds/hkandi
Summary: Originally written for Mini Bingo 2019. Kakashi and Iruka are just trying to survive and thrive in a world in which zombies have become a thing.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note in April 2020 - This was my first time doing a writing bingo, so I didn't know each prompt needed its own chapter and/or story. In short, I took these prompts and combined them all into one story, but later redid them to actually play bingo correctly. But this was still a story I'm happy with and wanted to share! And if you're interested in my actual bingo submissions, feel free to check them out too, I put them together in a mini bingo series. Thanks!
> 
> [FILLED] Collars | [FILLED] Things you said when you were drunk | [FILLED] Zombie au  
> ---|---|---  
> [FILLED] Forehead kiss | [FILLED] Free | [FILLED] Choking  
> [FILLED] Gender swap | [FILLED] Hanahaki disease | [FILLED] Friends to lovers  
>   
> (Sorry mine's not as pretty as others' cards....)
> 
> Original note in December 2019 - So, when I read about the bingo cards, I thought “great, this will be a cool exercise as I get more into writing. Like a fun challenge!” Well, careful what you wish for, kids! Most of these prompts are ones I’ve purposely not written about, and not even the kinky ones. Zombies and hanahaki, I’m looking at you.
> 
> In short, I decided to suck it up and put them all in one so as to kind of get it over with. And, dare I say, it kind of worked out…
> 
> Feedback and comments appreciated!

(I don't own any characters etc etc)

“Come on, pet,” Kakashi called, standing.

Iruka rolled her eyes. He had started calling her that when she found a bedazzled collar in a semi-ransacked store and decided to wear it for fun. 

The collar was fun, his pet name, literally, wasn’t.

Still, they had been friends for a while now so she put up with his eccentricities.

“So funny,” Iruka said. “The first two hundred times you called me that weren’t enough. Needed to hear it once more.”

She was pretty sure Kakashi was sticking his tongue out at her under his mask.

“We need humor in days like this. Zombie apocalypse and all that,” Kakashi said, waving at a newspaper.

“I’m surprised they’re still printing those,” Iruka said.

Kakashi shrugged. “Tv signals aren’t always reliable. Rolling blackouts and the like.”

“Anyway, ‘apocalypse’ is a bit much, don’t you think?” she asked.

Kakashi shrugged again. “Fits the bill.” He started to check his rucksack. “Anyway, pet,” Iruka grimaced. “Time to go do a supply run. Your gear good to go?”

“Let me just finish checking,” she said, grabbing her own olive green rucksack. A faded red swirl patch was stuck on it, a memento from a time long ago.

They were eventually ready, and put their boots on at the door. They stole a look at their apartment, never sure if they’d be able to return to it.

Because, zombies.

Though, really, they were usually pretty good.

As they headed downstairs, Iruka watched Kakashi’s lean form gracefully move in front of her.

She sighed quietly to herself.

She had it for him. Bad.

Just yesterday she had barely been able to cover a short coughing fit and flush all the evidence down the toilet.

_____________

“Hanahaki disease,” the upstairs neighbor had called it. She was an elderly woman who claimed to have been a doctor, no, medicine woman, way back when. Before the world changed, just practicing traditional, holistic medicine.

Tsunade had always been kind to Iruka, and temperamental to Kakashi. They had a sarcastic relationship, those two. 

Still, Iruka had trusted her enough to share her secret with Tsunade, as who wouldn’t be freaked out by coughing up flower petals? Flower petals, for kami’s sake!

Iruka hadn’t known what it was, but Tsunade just gave her a soft, sad smile and made her some tea.

“It’s not as rare as you think, just many people don’t talk about it. So everyone thinks it’s from long ago, or made up.” Tsunade sipped her tea, though Iruka could smell that it wasn’t just tea.

“Is it Kakashi?” Tsunade asked.

Iruka blushed. “What?”

Another sad smile. “This is caused by unrequited love. And I only really ever see you with him, so…”

“We’re just friends. We used to work together, kind of, before the business moved to somewhere safer. And we kind of just hunkered down together until we can catch back up with them. It should be soon, Asuma said he thinks his dad is sending transport later this month.”

“Hmm,” Tsunade said, in thought. “I’m sorry, Iruka, but this doesn’t go away when things are safe. This is about love, not the environment. Though clearly the environment contributed, in a way.”

“So what happens?”

Tsunade looked out the window. “Two ways this ends. Kakashi returns your feelings, and you improve, get better, it goes away.”

“Or?” Iruka was afraid to ask, already fearing she knew the answer.

“He doesn’t return your feelings, especially if you keep it to yourself. Though, if you do confess and he doesn’t return them, same thing.” Tsunade shook her head. “It progresses. Breathing becomes harder, more petals come up. Eventually, you end.”

Well, that was a polite way to say “you’re screwed and you die, good luck.”

Tsunade tapped her chin in thought. “Rumor was there was a third way, to surgically remove it, and then the feelings for that person end too. But it’s risky, and you don’t forget about that person, you just don’t have feelings for them. Some said it was worse than death.”

Iruka slumped in the chair. “So I’m screwed? Maybe if I’m lucky a zombie will bite me and my brain will turn to mush and I won’t think about it?”

Tsunade laughed. “Or perhaps Kakashi has similar feelings?”

Iruka straightened. “Does he have…?”

Tsunade shrugged. “Beats me. The brat doesn’t talk to me like that. Though, seeing the two of you, I have a few thoughts. One,” she said counting on slender fingers. Iruka couldn’t help but wonder how she kept her manicure so neat these days. “You’ve had feelings for longer, and perhaps more intense, and so the disease is present in you. Two, he has feelings but is a bit unsure or ignorant of them. A bit daft in the head, I think.”

“No three, he doesn’t have feelings for me at all?” Iruka asked.

“I doubt it,” Tsunade said. “He wouldn’t have stuck around so long.”

“What do I do?”

“Tell him?”

“And if he says no, or hates me? Then what?”

Tsunade frowned slightly. “It could speed it up. But it will naturally worsen over time even if you keep it to yourself.”

__________

Which was how Iruka found herself reminiscing about tea with Tsunade from several weeks ago, coughing up flower petals a bit more regularly, and staring at Kakashi’s ass and perfect hair.

Sigh.

Zombies were definitely much more preferred.


	2. Hmmm

Author's note in April 2020:

This chapter was posted in December 2019 when I learned that bingo means a different chapter/story for each prompt and decided to take time away from this story, even though it was fully written and ready to go.

I'm only keeping this as a note chapter as some people did read it when it was first posted and I want them to be able to pick back up at chapter 3, which is technically more like chapter 2.

Anyway, just skip this chapter, in short.

And thank you to IonFusion for asking for this to be continued, as I was dragging my butt in doing so!


	3. [Actual] Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Action time!

(I don't own any characters etc etc)

The whole zombie thing hadn’t been happening for so long that the world was devastated, but certainly one’s comfort took a blow, unless you had escaped to a remote safe space like the rich and famous.

Hiruzen Sarutobi had, but only to be able to meet with other political and business leaders to come up with plans. Hence why Iruka and Kakashi’s work, under Sarutobi, had ended for the time being, with Asuma living in a semi-far/semi-near place relaying messages and keeping everyone informed.

In short, they just had to keep surviving a little longer.

And really, it wasn’t bad most days. Their neighborhood was fairly safe, though quiet and boring. People kept inside unless you had to get food. Kakashi had brought over his collection of Icha Icha books and stated he could read them “until I die.”

Which hopefully would not be soon.

Iruka cooked and read and reviewed her teaching books and finally, finally got to tackle some reading she had put off for a while as she had been busy with her own education, then working in education, and taking the odd side job.

Needless to say, she had a long list of books to read, but fortunately had been buying them regularly and had very full bookshelves.

Today they had decided to venture to a convenience store about a mile away for some basic supplies that the store had, that the closer supermarket didn’t always.

While this store had been staffed the last time they came by, today they saw it was not, and by the looks of it, others had also visited it unattended.

They were glad to not have to spend their money, and began to wander the small aisles, stuffing their bags.

“Fryer’s on,” Kakashi called out. “Want a hot dog? Fries?”

“Eww,” Iruka said. “Those things from this store will kill you.”

“Tough call,” she heard in response. “Convenience store hot dog or zombies?”

But before Iruka could respond, Kakashi’s luck struck again.

And by luck, it was the aforementioned zombies.

In Kakashi’s defense, it was the people who had turned the fryer on running out of the store, shouting about zombies. 

Kakashi and Iruka paused briefly in their respective locations, before jumping into action. They each grabbed a few more things and secured their bags on their backs, running for the exit.

Several zombies appeared as they made it to the front, the door in sight but still a few aisles away.

The zombies snarled and lunged, grabbing Kakashi’s bag.

He responded in due, spinning and kicking down and low, sweeping the legs out from the zombie and sending it crashing to the floor.

Another stumbled over it towards Kakashi, who had moved away already. That zombie tripped over the first one and fell into the fryer area, splashing hot oil and hotdogs everywhere.

“Hope you weren’t hungry for those after all,” Kakashi called out, as he pulled his machete out and took the head off the first zombie before it could get back up.

“A little busy,” Iruka said as she fought off a zombie who had lunged for her. They were grappling in a canned food aisle, and she was keeping it at bay barely by pushing and kicking it in the chest as she moved further and further back in the aisle, before she grabbed a can and beat it in the head until it was pulp.

“Gross,” she sighed, wiping her hand off.

Just then, she smelled smoke.

“Fire!” she called out. 

Judging by the darkening of the store, it had been happening for a minute or two, and a fast growing fire at that.

“Iruka!” Kakashi called.

“Kakashi!” she called back, breathing in smoke and coughing.

“Where are you?”

“Here!” she called, not realizing how unhelpful it was. “I’m running to the front!”

She jumped over the zombie and ran to the front, only to see that Kakashi was trying to pull a fallen display from where it was blocking the door.

“A damn zombie got me by surprise and we fell into this,” he growled.

Iruka rushed to help. “Are you hurt? Did it get you?”

“No, I’m good, you?”

“Good,” she said, continuing to cough. “It’s too smoky, Kakashi!”

His perpetual mask seemed to protect him from the smoke, and they were slowly making progress in moving the display so they could escape.

“The smoke is choking me,” Iruka rasped out.

“I think the zombie that fell into the fryer caused this. Damn Iruka, this isn’t working. Stand back.”

Iruka coughed more while she watched Kakashi grab something and threw it at the top half of the divided glass doors that were partially blocked by the display. It shattered, and Kakashi braced his feet on the display and kicked more glass out before jumping out.

Iruka followed suit, stepping onto the display. Kakashi steadied his hands on her waist and helped her out.

They stumbled into the parking lot and turned to see flames consuming more of the store.

“There goes that store,” Kakashi sighed.

Iruka coughed more and more, and Kakashi turned to her, a look of concern visible in his eyes.

“Iruka?” he asked, as she dropped to her knees.

She put her palms on the ground and coughs wracked her body, bringing up dark mucous.

And petals.

Tears stinging her eyes, feeling some snot coming out her nose, she felt her heart drop.

Ashy, mucousy petals stared up at her.

There would be no hiding these.

Kakashi crouched next to her and she could vaguely feel him brushing hair from her face.

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking between her face and the ground under her. “What are…..”

“I’m sorry,” she wheezed. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, Ru, but damn, I don’t know what’s going on. We’ve gotta get you out of here.”

As Kakashi tried to pull her up, she felt too weak.

She continued to cough, and felt a petal catch on her chin. Iruka fell onto the ground to her left, and her pile of petal vomit and Kakashi swam in front of her eyes.

“I didn’t mean for you to find out like this,” she could hear herself saying. “I’m sorry.”

“Shh, don’t apologize. I’m going to get you out of here and get help, just stay awake, ok?”

“I’m sorry, Kakashi.” She reached out to him.

“I love you,” she said, and promptly passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably not the type of choking someone meant when they suggested that prompt, lol!

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and suggestions welcomed!
> 
> Let's connect, I'm on [tumblr](https://hkandiu.tumblr.com/)


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